I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
