my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
