She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
