she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Success! We fucked roommates!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
