you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
