super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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