I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
