If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
