She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
