I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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