I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
