he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
