Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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