Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
