I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
