You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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