I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
