Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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