I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
