i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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