dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
