sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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