I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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