your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
