you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
