Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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