Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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