I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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