Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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