the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
