I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So vagazzling was a success
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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