Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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