Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I stole a fireplace last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
