You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
