im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Come on in and take your pants off
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