Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
