i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
