You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
