We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
