Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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