she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
