apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
