I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
