she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
