The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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