So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
