worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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