Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
