shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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