maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
