Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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