there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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